Inner "Zen"

People often speak about the benefits of a healthy body and a healthy mind. I have often listened to people rattle on about their “active” lifestyles (usually as I devour a Mars bar and a large glass of cabernet sauvignon) and whilst I have been curious about their ability to maintain such a lifestyle, I have never been drawn to it as such. This is something that strange “healthy” people do...not chubby girls addicted to wine and chocolate!

Recently however I have been pulled into this strange new world, and now find myself attending three fitness classes a week, and one gym session....more interesting however is the fact that I’ve now been doing this for about six weeks. (A record for me I’m sure).

My routine consists of a gym session, a full body work out session, a tums and bums session (I will have buns of steel God dammit) and a seventy five minute yoga session.

Now the cardio body workouts were always a concern to me, as they’re basically dance workouts with more squatting and more weights, and the fact is, that even though I’ve been doing shows since the tender age of 13, I literally have NO coordination. Ask any choreographer I’ve worked with, and they will tell you, that any kind of organised “routine” will leave me confused, and very often crumpled on the floor when my legs refuse to go in the direction my brain is telling them to go.

Trying to combine this fast paced choreography with a “Ministry Of Sound” inspired dance track will inevitably leave me looking like, well...let’s face it, a complete and utter twonk (Twonk...haven’t used that word in ages!!). It’s not graceful, elegant or particularly cool, so these kind of classes always make me feel a little uncomfortable to say the least!

I have however stuck with it, and I’m pleased to say that I am noticing that my fitness is improving! (Yay, go me!) The biggest surprise for me however has been Yoga. Years ago, a colleague (Lou Galland this is you) told me that Yoga was great, but that she had encountered the worst thing you could possibly imagine at her Yoga class....someone, whilst relaxing a little too much, had farted. I had (until this little revelation) quite liked the idea of Yoga. The fact of the matter is though, that I am too juvenile to be able to cope with someone farting in a class. I knew in my heart of hearts that I would have killed myself laughing, and that this would not really be appropriate in a class environment, not to mention the fact that my giggles would undoubtedly have made the culprit feel worse about their uncontrollable flatulence.

Many years down the line however, (older, wiser and more mature) I decided I wanted to give it a go. I can’t tell you how much I have enjoyed these classes. It’s the one time of the week that I can genuinely let go of everything in my head, and have some real “Me” time. I am actively looking forward to my Monday night session (which after the stresses of Monday Trading in a retail work environment is actually crucial to help me maintain my sanity).

I walk away from those sessions with a feeling that I can only describe as similar to that light headed, fuzzy relaxed feeling you get after good sex...well usually I do anyway...this week however was a little different, as for the first time since my colleague’s warning, an old guy at the back of the class decided to drop his arse in the middle of the “Cat Pose”. His timing couldn’t have been better to be fair. It was deathly silent, even the whale music that the Yoga instructor plays on her iPod had paused while it moved to the next panpipes classic track. Obviously I haven’t matured as much as I would like to think over the years, as before I knew it, the chuckle was building in my throat. I thought I’d just about managed to control it as I repositioned myself into “Down Dog”, but with my head tucked under I was then confronted by the next weapon in his “arse”nal...which was the smell. God Damn! My chuckle turned into a choke, and there’s no doubt in my mind that everyone knew the reason behind my half giggle, half gag spluttering fit.

Embarrassing as this was I will continue with my classes...not just because they’re improving my flexibility, and not just because it’s funny watching myself and others try and bend themselves into completely unnatural positions, but because in spite of the flatulence, it’s the only time I get to connect with my inner Zen...and we all need a little Zen in our lives....stinky or not!