False Advertising

Dear Mr Right (you know who you are),

Ref: My feelings with regards to the ridiculous distance you have put between us.

I’m writing to make you aware of my feelings with regards to the way our relationship has developed over the last year and a bit, so that you can fully understand the predicament I find myself in now.

Firstly I feel that on our first encounter, you falsely advertised yourself as a potential “Prince Charming” by being utterly gorgeous and wholly available (i.e. living just thirty minutes from me), when in fact you were in the process of packing up your castle, and riding your steed three hundred miles away, to what felt like the other side of the world.

I could have accepted that I had made an error, and that you weren’t actually supposed to be in my life, however despite the ridiculous distance, you have been able to hold my attention and I can only assume this is because of the following:

1) You speak to me and text me so regularly, that it’s kind of like having a boyfriend, but without the “sexy time”.
2) You call me at work (granted this is usually to try and embarrass me in front of my colleagues by arguing with me on the phone) but again, it then feels as though I actually have a “significant other” on the end of the line, who cares enough to call me.
3) You laugh at me when I say stupid things, but never make me feel stupid...even when I accidentally send you a text telling you about my most recent bikini wax appointment, that was clearly not meant for you!
4) You do sweet things like send me 51 (at the last count) messages one after the other, each containing a single kiss: one because it’s sweet and two, because you know that my phone will be having a dickie fit with all the “pings” and vibrate alerts that it will make me giggle.
5) When I was actually seeing a real life person (as opposed to you, who’s so far away I sometimes wonder if I’ve made you up) you were decent enough to refrain from flirting with me, but you kept our friendship strong by not losing touch with me.
6) You have a funny accent, which I adore.
7) You wear Superman pants...I mean...what girl could resist that?
8) You are one of just two people who tell me off (the other is my mother) that I struggle to argue with.
9) You’re the first man in the world that I’ve ever let get away with calling me “woman”, and I’m still not sure why I don’t mind when you do it?!
10) You don’t take my crazy ramblings too seriously, even though I do a pretty good impression of a complete lunatic at times.

Given all of the above, I have come to the conclusion that actually, I have been left no option other than to let myself become smitten with you, and this, I feel, is where you have let me down, because clearly this is not an option whilst you live a gazillion miles away. I therefore respectfully request, that as a form of compensation to me, you re-locate back up to the midlands. I don’t think this is an unreasonable request under the circumstances.

Yours sincerely

Miss (Always) Right