Big Bro's Big Day

My big bro is getting married, and last year I promised myself that I would never again look back on someone’s wedding photos, and see myself looking chunkier than I wanted to be. So naturally my diet for his big day has started in earnest. The only problem is, the numpty has decided to forsake the usual eighteen months worth of wedding preparations. Instead he got engaged just before Christmas, and is having his wedding in July! This combined with the fact that I only remembered the little promise I made to myself last week has put the pressure on somewhat!!!

Therefore I have disregarded all “healthy” weight loss efforts and have opted for a good old fashioned fad diet. I must say it’s working very well, and in the first week I’ve lost 6lbs (Yay for me). Originally I was thinking of going really traditional, and surviving purely on laxatives and smokes, but as I haven’t been living with my house mate for that long, I had second thoughts for her sake. It’s actually not a crazy fad diet...The last one I did saw me giving up actual food, in favour of meal replacement shakes for every meal. At least this one means I get to chew stuff. It’s a high protein, low carb diet, and whilst I usually live on Pasta and Pizza and other foodstuffs with a lot of carby goodness in them, I can honestly say at this point (let’s remember I’m only a week in) I don’t miss them too much.

I’ve got nine weeks until my bro’s big day, so if I can lose about 2lbs a week, then I should be feeling pretty good about myself, but then comes the trauma of finding something to wear for his wedding! Obviously I don’t want to buy something now, as it will (fingers crossed) be too big for me...but then what if there’s nothing nice in the shops when I go to buy something in July? Aaagh, nightmare! There is something very exciting about a wedding though – granted this one will be a bit weird for me, as I’ve only been to one wedding as a singleton, and that was a friend’s so therefore I was surrounded by my group of friends. This is a family wedding, and therefore I suppose I’ll be surrounded by my family...which is great, but there’s also a part of me thinking I might feel a little bit like I’ve regressed to being a teenager again, where you’re dragged along to Aunt Betty and Uncle Bob’s ruby wedding anniversary party – you don’t know anyone but your family, and you therefore end up stuck with them for the evening, when what you want to be doing is busting a few moves like Beyonce on the dance floor. Incidentally, nowadays, if you ever actually see me doing my best Beyonce impression, feel free to slap me hard across the face and remind me that I have no rhythm. (Unpleasant performances like that are best nipped in the bud quickly I find.)

I also have the added dilemma of finding a new signature. That sounds like a really random thing to throw into conversation, but my divorce is imminent (is it wrong to want to shout "Thank F**K for that!" when writing a blog about an impending marriage?) and so by that point I should be fully reverted back to my maiden name (Whoop). I’m actually going to be a witness at the wedding, so will have to sign the marriage book thingy. You may say, well just use the one you had before you got married, which would make sense, but it’s really long, and I’ve got used to the very quick little one I use now...so it’s going to have to change. I better get practicing! I certainly don’t want to fluff it up on the big day....

"Do any persons here present...have an ink eraser pen??"