Now you'd be forgiven for thinking due to the fact my own marriage so spectacularly fell to pieces, that I'd be the last person on the planet to be excited about weddings, however you would be wrong. I am in fact thrilled that Jonesy, who was a bridesmaid at my wedding, is getting married. I'm thrilled largely because I now know I won't have to listen to her gin-fuelled, tearful rants about being a spinster for the rest of her life, but also because anyone who knows her can see how happy she has been over the last year, since getting together with her now fiancé, Mark.
I'm also very excited because for the first time in my adult life, I'm going to be a bridesmaid! I'm also...bloody terrified. Jonesy is having three bridesmaids, her cousin, myself, and another friend from high school, Kim. In the spirit of being a total Bridezilla, she has even charged us with very specific roles. Given that Jonesy is going for a vintage themed wedding, her cousin Charlie, is being given the responsibility of being her "Vintage Consultant" and will aide Jonesy in sourcing and procuring the most kitsch bunting, and shabby chic table decorations. Kim has been given the responsibility of alcohol management (i.e. how much gin Jonesy is allowed to drink on the day...for the safety of all her guests!) and will be taking on the role of "Chief Calming Influence" due to her very laid back approach to life, and soft spoken manner. I have been given the prestigious role of "Mistress of Fun" which sounds rather kinky, but essentially I think this means I'm there for pure comedy value. Naturally I will take my role very seriously, even if it means spending the day with my dress tucked in my knickers whilst trailing a line of bog roll from my right heel. If it ensures that on the day Jonesy feels like the most glamorous bride of all time, and has fun whilst she's doing it, then it will be worth my humiliation.
I'm actually pretty sure that I'm destined to be a terrible bridesmaid. I'm bound to cock something up. I know there's a 99.9% chance I'm going to spill wine down my front, or split my dress by eating too much during the wedding breakfast. I'll probably be the one who's heels get stuck in the grass when having the photos taken and end up flat on my face with grass stains down one side of my frock. I'll basically be the fat one in the film Bridesmaids, but with less grace and decorum!! I can't help but feel therefore that Jonesy has given me this role for that very reason. She knows all too well that I'm going to make a spaz out of myself at some point during the day, so at least this way I can do it whilst still fulfilling all of my duties as a bridesmaid.
Now the other thing about being a bridesmaid is that there's usually a "fat one". I fear this is me, and whilst I know Jonesy will ensure I have a flattering dress, I hate the thought of being porky on her wedding photos. If ever I have needed a goal (and a cut off date of a years time) to get myself slimmer, this must surely be it? For a girl who has no will power and very little resolve when it comes to giving up the things she loves, it's a terrifying prospect that I may not actually achieve it, and I'll let myself down. With this in mind I am declaring now, to the world, that I am giving up dominoes for a whole year. Given the amount of dominoes pizza I consume, I would suggest that all of my readers double their monthly consumption of dominoes, if only to safeguard the future of the company so that I can have a massive pizza blow-out once the big day has been and gone!
I'm going to be stepping up the exercise regime over the summer, paying particular attention to the bingo wings, as I don't want to have to choose my dress on the basis of whether or not it covers my "wobbly bits". I'll keep you all update on my progress (naturally) and who knows, this time next year I might even be writing to say I've achieved my goal weight! It's funny isn't it...They always say you should lose weight for yourself and no one else, but when the truth is that you don't really like yourself, but you love your best mates, what's wrong with doing it for one of them instead?
