Quiet. That’s what
I have.
Quiet that makes the sound of my disappointment so very deafening.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
If you promise forever, it should mean forever.
If you say they’ll be the only one, then they should be the only one.
If you tell someone that this will be their last first kiss, then they should never have to taste the bitterness of another first kiss, on someone else’s lips.
If you promise forever,
Shouldn’t it mean forever?
Now the silence roars in my ears,
The plans I had, the dreams I was supposed to fulfil…stolen from me.
Sometimes the darkness of insecurity and self-loathing engulfs me. I despise myself.
Questioning one’s worth is easy when someone has made it so abundantly clear that they did not value you.
But there, in the distance I see it,
Just a pinprick in the black, but most certainly there.
It twinkles like a distant star, so small and yet… quite dazzling.
It is the comforting and supporting light of friendships
past and present,Quiet that makes the sound of my disappointment so very deafening.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
If you promise forever, it should mean forever.
If you say they’ll be the only one, then they should be the only one.
If you tell someone that this will be their last first kiss, then they should never have to taste the bitterness of another first kiss, on someone else’s lips.
If you promise forever,
Shouldn’t it mean forever?
Now the silence roars in my ears,
The plans I had, the dreams I was supposed to fulfil…stolen from me.
Sometimes the darkness of insecurity and self-loathing engulfs me. I despise myself.
Questioning one’s worth is easy when someone has made it so abundantly clear that they did not value you.
But there, in the distance I see it,
Just a pinprick in the black, but most certainly there.
It twinkles like a distant star, so small and yet… quite dazzling.
I know it has always been there, but recently I’ve ignored it.
Turned away from it, so as not to shatter the illusion I have created.
The show of joviality…the masquerade.
I’ve chosen to hide, and seek solace here alone, in the cold and deafening dark. One of many mistakes I’ve made.
If I reach out, I might be able to touch it, to feel it’s warmth on my fingertips,
It might not be too late?
I won’t let it be too late.
I won’t let those broken promises define me, and I will not lose faith.
My dreams are still mine to pursue.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way,
But it is…and I will learn to thrive in this reality,
That will be my forever.
_______________________________________________
Tonight I was clearing out some old paperwork and came
across this in a notebook. I don’t even
remember writing it, but I’m guessing it can’t have been long after my
divorce. Being quite a cheery sort, I
was in two minds whether or not to post it, as let’s be honest; it’s a little
depressing in places! However, reading
it tonight I realised I do seem to withdraw like this every now and then. Finding this came at the right time I think,
because the approach to Christmas is probably the most difficult for me. It’s a time for families, and it’s always a
painful reminder of things I do not, and may never have.
One thing I will always have however, are my
friends. My wonderful friends, who saw
the value in me, where he (and other men) have not.
My amazing friends, who look at me and see the person I
am, rather than the dress size I wear.
My beautiful friends.
…and on a slighty lighter note:
There was a young man from Seville,
Who swallowed an atomic pill,
His head imploded,
His arse exploded,
And they found his balls in Brazil!
Beautiful Nat.xxx
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